As we follow Carol Cooke’s personal journey, and following on from our previous post ‘When five become one‘ Carol shares with us a little about her motivation and how she has spent the past 11 years, believing in the impossible.

For the past few days I have been running around like “a chook with its head cut off”! Trying to get things done before we head to Penrith for our staging camp.

Now that I am sitting down to catch my breath it has really hit me…this is really happening! It has been months coming and it is really a bit surreal. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to realize that I am actually a member of the Australian Rowing Team!

Just over 11 years ago, April 23rd, 1998 to be exact, I had a neurologist tell me that my life as I knew it was over, to go home and get my affairs in order before I became incapacitated and that because I had Multiple Sclerosis I would never do any sport or exercise again. There are times when I just shake my head and think “If he could see me now”, oh how wrong he was!

On that fateful day, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that my life would take the direction it has. When I am talking to groups I always ask them “What would you attempt to do if you knew that you could not fail?” I have always headed into situations not really thinking about whether or not I would fail and with this challenge, at this point, we have more than surpassed my expectations. We can only get better from here on in and I have great hopes for this crew. What we have accomplished in the last couple of months is extraordinary!

After our last campaign, attempting to qualify for the Beijing Paralympics, I really didn’t know if I would get another shot at representing my country. Lets face it, I am probably the oldest person to ever make the Australian team. At 47, well 48 next week, this was not what I envisaged for myself at this point in my life. But I have to say that my life has been ingrained with that great Aussie expression “she’ll be right mate”. This has shaped who I am.

I guess my greatest tool is my ability to believe in myself and my capabilities. I believe that you should live your life to the fullest, laugh, cry, scream, shout, whatever you want to do – just get out there and do it. If you don’t see yourself abseiling, caving or evening rowing for that matter – find that one thing you have never thought you could do and give it a try.

A friend of mine gave me one good piece of advice and that was “to live life without fear, confront all obstacles and know that you can overcome them. Nothing is impossible if we dare to face our fears and believe in ourselves.” Thanks for inspiring me Warren.

So I go into this next phase of this adventure with no fear and expecting the best. I have no doubt that the rest of crew will be thinking the same!

If we went into every day expecting the best, with no fear and belief in ourselves, imagine what we could achieve. What’s holding you back?

Carol along with Pete Siri, Henry Macphillamy, Alex Green and Lisa Brown, have recently been selected to race for Australia in the LT4 adaptive  rowing world championships in Poland.

As this site is as much about the inner journey as to why we travel and how it inspires us, we are privileged to be able to follow the team’s progress through the eyes, ears and spirit of this remarkable team.

So let’s hear from Carol as we start from the beginning and journey with the team on the race that gained them selection.

We arrived at SIRC just before 7am for our warm up training session. Everyone was pretty keen to get on the water and have the second last row for the weekend. It was a beautiful morning, flat water, a bit chilly but the sunrise was fantastic. We were only doing one lap of the course, concentrating on really becoming one, every movement in time with one another. This may sound really easy but when you have four people, all different sizes and all with different disabilities, well it isn’t that easy!

When we did get back to the shed that is when the hugging and emotion all came out! But we definitely came back to earth as we realized that now the even harder work begins. We have another camp in a weeks time in Sydney, then a week home, then back to Sydney where the staging camp will be held before we head to Europe. But we know that we are going which puts our heads in a better place because we know what we can accomplish. In just three short camps we have really come together as a crew…We Can Row as ONE!

We had a good row and the timing wasn’t too bad, we were finally getting some “send” on the boat. In other words we were finally letting the boat do the work for us. This was something that Pedro (who is coaching us since Tara had left) had been saying to us since day one, “Let the boat do the work, drive with the legs and really build the stroke to the chest, send the boat”. It made perfect sense to us but getting us all to do it together and exactly together has been the tough part. But this morning that came together.

After our row, we headed back to the motel, to pack up, check out and then head back for our final time trial. We all knew we had to do better on this time trial than any of the previous ones. We had to show the selectors that we were improving and deserved to be part of the team heading to Poland. On the way back to the course in the car it was very quite. I think that everyone was really getting into their “zones”, thinking about what they each needed to do individually to come together as “ONE”.

We all did our own land warm up and at 10:30 a.m. it was “hands on”. With the boat on the water and all of us in our seats we headed out for our warm up. We did a bit longer warm up than the day before and then headed out to the course. Once invited on to the course by the officials we took our position in lane 5 and Lisa had us do one practice start. Wow! what a start it was, the best we had ever done. We backed the boat into the finger and awaited the officials to start us off. Unfortunately we had a bad start! But we were able to correct quickly and we were off.

Lisa called the race brilliantly, she had us lengthen out once the boat was moving and from there had us work each stroke. Not think about the entire race but to concentrate on perfecting each individual stroke. The boat felt good, I know I felt good and the row felt strong and engaged with the water. Before I knew it Lisa was yelling that we had only 250 metres to go. It was incredible, I thought we were only about half way, but we were almost there. She wanted us to dig deeper than we had done before and with 100 metres to go asked for more. I didn’t think I had anymore but incredibly I found some and before we knew it Lisa said to slow it down to steady state.

I don’t think that anything has hurt more than that last 250 metres and I am sure the rest of the crew felt the same. We had finished and we had done the best that we could, now it was up to the selectors. As we rowed past the viewing stands, the crowd were clapping and at that point Lisa said to us “That’s for us” and I must say it felt good. Now all we had to do was wait for the verdict.

When we got back to the landing, Pedro was there waiting for us and congratulated each one of us. We had a few supporters there, Henry’s parents and guide dog Billy, Pam, Pedro’s wife and Kathryn Ross another adaptive rower, who congratulated us and told us it was a good row…but to all of us was it good enough?

We sat around for a while hoping that one of the selectors would come and speak with us, but we were getting cold and decided to have showers and change. Once we were back at the shed we were told that we were to attend a meeting with the rest of the Senior team. I think we were all on pins and needles hoping that this was when we would be given the nod. But no the meeting was about how well everyone had done over the weekend and to wish the Under 23 representatives good luck, as they were leaving for Europe the next day. Then Andrew Mathieson said he wanted the LTA crew to stay so he could speak with us. Well I can tell you a few things went through my head! And most of them were negative!

When Andrew did finally come over to us, he stated that he was happy with how we had progressed over the weekend and that as far as he and other selectors we concerned they were going to put our names forward to the Rowing Australia board for inclusion on the Australian Team for the World Championships in Poland. Well I think everything else went off in my head! We were going! And to be honest the relief was overwhelming. I don’t think there was much of a reaction from any of us right away and I am sure Andrew was a bit miffed about why we weren’t jumping for joy. I think it had been such a tough slog and mentally tough that it took a while for it to sink in. I know that walking back to the shed it hit me and I actually became quite emotional. All the hard work had paid off.

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There once was a woman named Vicki who for the first 15 years of her adult life spent it home alone. Work, then home, then bed, too scared to even go out to the pub for a drink with her work mates. Vicki used her family and her dog as an excuse to go home. Until no one asked anymore.

My life has always been unremarkable. In fact, it was boring. If I were to describe myself before the trip, it would definitely have to be lifeless. I have lived in Perth all my life, and worked in the same job for eight years. A self confessed couch potato weighing in at 140kg, I didn’t know what the word exercise meant. I was afraid to go out and mix with others. Why would I when I didn’t like myself?

On reflection, I am not sure why I didn’t like myself. I have always been extremely shy. I grew up in a very isolated environment, looking after my pop and grandma. They were my world. I guess I never developed on the social level like most people. So I simply shut myself off from everyone, becoming more isolated and insecure the older I got. I decided to go on the Challenge after seeing it advertised through Guide Dogs. It seemed like a great way to see a part of the world I had always wanted to go, the pictures made it look easy and it seemed like a worthwhile reason to support a very worthy cause.

However, not only did I find the fundraising was a lot of hard work, but the hardest part was yet to come. I’d gone and booked myself on a Challenge, and I couldn’t hide anymore. I had to get out and meet people. I had to be the one doing the inviting. I organised wine tours, dinners and auctions. I had to force myself to go and talk to people, to open myself up, to not be afraid of being seen and to come out of hiding. My challenge had started before I’d even set foot out of the country. It became even more painful when I got to China and realised I no longer had a valid reason to hide away. I had to conquer my insecurities. I had to become someone I had never been in my life.

Physically, the trip was extremely difficult for me. At 140kg, walking such long distances during the day with little training hurt with each step. Every night I would tape my swollen feet and knees and cover the new blisters and sores with padding and bandages. This wasn’t a holiday. This was torture. Aside from the trip being physically difficult, the greatest pain came from me acknowledging what my life had been like prior to the trip and the fact that for its entirety, I had hidden myself away. Most people I knew thought I had a great life and just didn’t have any time for them. Little did they know I kept myself prisoner behind the barriers of my own fear and insecurities. I still get so nervous that I am sick before I go out. I still drive around and around before I can make myself get out and go in.

But there is a difference. I don’t turn around anymore and go home. I go in. I am enjoying myself more. I don’t let myself stop and think too much or I will talk myself out of doing and going places. I don’t want to go back to the way I was. It would be too easy. It would have been easy to stop walking. The pain would have eased. But I would not have felt the sense of achievement, and the sense of self worth that I now feel.

Now, when I reflect on the trip and think about the Wall, the physical pain seems but a distant memory. I find myself remembering the beauty of the wall instead. I guess it has taught me that we have to go through pain in our lives to appreciate the beauty around us.

The pain from the mountain is a little different. There have been many things in my life that I didn’t think I could do. At 39, climbing the mountain is one of the first major things I have accomplished in my life, so the pain should stay with me forever. And I don’t really want it to go. It’s a constant reminder that no matter how bad a situation I am in, there are many others worse off than myself, and to get on with my own life. I guess it has taught me that when we go through pain in our lives and come out the other side with a smile, that we will be much better people for it, as I am now. The pain was worth it. And I no longer fear it.

FRIENDS

One of my greatest weaknesses in life has always been that I feel I have to do anything to get a friend. I think it manifested itself in the way I have always been passionate about helping other people. It was the only way I received any recognition or appreciation in my otherwise unenthusiastic life. Considering the protective barrier I placed around myself, I don’t think I even had a real idea what a true friend was.

Since the trip to China, I believe I am starting to realise. I believe that I have had many friends with me all my life, but I just didn’t know how to see or appreciate them. On the trip, I constantly didn’t want to let anyone down because I saw myself as an embarrassment to others on the trip. I was very self-conscious about always being last and always being in so much pain. My insecurities were discernible every day in the nos, the I cant dos, the anguish and the tears.

However, there were a few special people who supported me on the entire walk. Although continually embarrassed, I was extremely grateful to have their company. Even when I cried and said I couldn’t do it, they believed in me. Even when I begged to stop, they didn’t doubt me. They kept me laughing and singing. They kept pushing me. They made me push myself. I was happy that for the first time in my life, other people thought I could do it, and I am forever grateful they wouldn’t let me stop.

I am now feeling a little more comfortable in asking other people for help. I realise that it isn’t embarrassing. I realise that to have people around me and having friends support me through the hard times is not something I should fear or be ashamed of. No longer do I just try and make friends with people so it gives me a feeling of self worth. No longer do I think I need to put on a face so that people like me. No longer am I afraid of what people think of me. I make friends with people so I can be there for them, knowing that they will be there for me when I need them. I have learnt not to take friends for granted. And I have also learnt that it’s okay to ask for help, be helped and not to be embarrassed.

Even though I may never again see some of the people I shared this journey with, it has highlighted to me that people do come into our lives for a reason. There were people on the trip who will always be a big part of my life, for without them being there during the hard times, I know I would never have made it. Not just in China. But in my future. Thank you my angels.

DREAMS

Quite often we rush through life and miss out on special things, or even just the simple things. I realised this especially while walking on the Wall one day when the tour leader reminded us that the walk was not a race. That we would never be there again and that we should enjoy and savour every moment. I took the time to sit down and enjoy the view, soaking up the remarkable history in front of me.

Back in Perth, I find I want to enjoy my life more and I want to try new things. For the first time in my life I am inviting myself to places and events. I am reflecting more on what I want to achieve in my life and am setting goals to ensure these happen. All things I had never even tried in the past.

One of the greatest lessons I learnt from the trip is that I can get through the hard way and feel a total sense of achievement once I have completed it. No longer am I doing what is expected of me. Not in my work, nor in my personal life. I now have more control over my emotions. I’m learning about myself. I’m trying to make decisions and stick with them and so I don’t slip back into bad habits. I don’t want to go back to the way I was. I am talking about the experience to anyone who wants to listen. Even to the ones who don’t. I have taken up a newspaper drop with my sister and walking every day. I have already lost 10 kg since arriving back home. Now I am planning my next challenge to Ladakh in northern India in May 2007. One of the goals for next year’s trip is to help someone like myself to make it to the finish.

There is so much to be achieved by having a dream, and then living it.

COURAGE

Before leaving home, I didn’t believe I would complete the challenge. In fact, I never believed I could do many things in my life. No one else believed I could either. My upbringing did not encourage self confidence, and I guess the gene pool just doesn’t take into account our looks. Looking at the photos of the mountain scared me shitless. I had a terrible fear of heights, unable to even climb a step ladder. Getting me to go up the Wall on day one was a challenge in itself as it was an extreme effort to even leave my room. I woke up every morning feeling physically ill and worried. I remember a point on the mountain when I begged to stop. I didn’t want to let anyone down. But I was pushed until it was too far to go back. I dug deep as I figured that I hadn’t died yet so it wasn’t going to kill me, and I pushed myself to keep on going.

I’m not afraid of trying anymore, and am more open to giving things a go. I even mowed the lawn on the weekend, something I had never done before. It wasn’t so scary after all. I used to worry so much in the past about doing everything that I didn’t even give things a go because I was scared of failing or of being embarrassed.

But courage can take us to places that we never thought we might reach. I know. I’ve sat atop a mountain.

BELIEF

On the trip to China, I met someone who not only knew I could climb the mountain, but knew I had to climb that mountain. Somehow they knew that I needed to do this more than anything I’ve ever done in my life, for if I didn’t, I would never achieve anything. They were right. For not only have I found the courage to give things a go, but I have an inner belief that I can do what looks impossible.

I still get scared, but I have learnt to not think things over as much as I did in the past. I make decisions a little easier. I don’t spend too much time anymore thinking about what others are thinking. I like myself now. Most of my work colleagues think I’ve gotten tougher since China. I say no more often. That’s a start. I am more out there and going out more. I’m starting to put myself first. I am starting to believe in who I am and what I can achieve in my life.

THE NEW PATH

So what has changed? After China, you can see I look at things very differently. The biggest thing I gained from the journey is my new perspective on life. Through my own experience and journey I believe that we too often look at all the obstacles in our path to achieving our dreams. We make excuses. We believe it’s too hard. We blame our past. We don’t live enough in the now. We don’t appreciate the small things around us. We don’t ask for help when we should. We aren’t honest with our feelings.

But by having dreams and giving things a go, pushing through the pain when it happens, having the invaluable support of friends, finding our inner courage and believing we can do it, the summit of a mountain is achievable, even for a 140kg couch potato.

Instead of looking at the bottom and considering all the obstacles in my way and saying I can’t do it, I remember what it was like to be at the top and looking back at what I had done. I know I can do it. Mowing the lawn was just the start. I’m a work in progress.

It’s why I’ve joined up to climb the Himalayas in 2007. I know that I climbed 5 500 steps in China and walked 70km of the Great Wall of China. I know I can walk plenty more on my journey within. It will be one step at a time.

My life is no longer lifeless. My life is now beginning.

Tomorrow commences August 2008. In eight days, I will commence the second part of a personal journey that will take me from the inner, to five countries in south-east Asia. In eight days, the realisation of a dream takes me away from my computer where I have been glued for the past few weeks, and into the future. A future filled with passion, compassion, excitement, the realisation of dreams and self.

On my birthday this year, I gave myself the greatest gift. Registration of an Australian company that is dedicated to unsung visionaries who create change around the globe. Someone once said to me that a mind once stretched by a new idea will never regain its original dimension. Over the past six months, mine has been stretched to new extremes, and I will be forever changed.

Two years ago, I had a dream. I woke up and checked the availability of www.give.com.au. Astounded that it was there, I paid my fee and for two years, have tortured myself as to what I was going to do with it. I have spent a life giving to others, to the point of exhaustion, and yet at this point in time, feel I can conquer anything.

Why? Because there is power in vision. There is power in dreams. And there is power in self. Combine these three, and one can create anything. www.give.com.au will be launched later in the year and is a site dedicated to individuals, communities and organisations around the globe who give opportunity to others.

For me, this new path is one that has been a long time coming. A windy path with lots of detours, mountains and challenges to cross. But one that now fills with me fulfillment and the knowledge that finally, I can be happy.

I am about to embark on an incredible six week journey to Bangladesh, Cambodia, Vietnam, Lao and Thailand. During this time I am meeting with the founders and artisans of 14 organisations that are creating change. It is not just a journey of the world and the people in it. But it is a personal journey filled with all that I am passionate about – people, change, compassion, commitment and life.

Six months ago, I did not want to be here. I was in pain – physically, emotionally and spiritually. But I didn’t want to listen to the doctor and dug deep. It truly is incredible what we have inside us that we really don’t give ourselves the opportunity to find.

I have spoken with many. I know the power of the secret. Always have. I just didn’t know what I wanted. It’s never been about ego. Never about money. Nor what others can give me. It’s always been about what drives me and makes me feel alive. Finally, I have found it.

I would like to invite you to join me on my journey over the forthcoming weeks as I share with you the experiences I am soon to have, the people I will soon have the privilege to meet, and the satisfaction I will have in following a dream.

I don’t want to just share the end result as it’s not what it’s all about. I want to share the experiences of A to Z. For I believe that unless you stop every now and again and really soak up what is happening and what you are feeling in your life, you are not grabbing each rich opportunity that will only cross your path but once.

So join me on this world journey. I’ll be taking you to genocide hospitals, rural villages, fashion boutiques, amputee centres and street children hostels. I’ll be interviewing nuns, nobel peace prize nominees and ordinary people who have chosen an extraordinary life of giving and creating change.

I hope that by sharing these stories, it will encourage you to look at yourself and your community, and perhaps do one small thing that puts a smile on another’s face. You don’t have to see it. But somewhere out there, someone in the world is smiling because you will have made the choice to give. And that face may just be yours.

x

As I contemplate going back to a place I love, or perhaps a place I’m purely drawn to for personal reasons (pic from where my Dad was during the war and we visited on last year’s visit… we will remember them), I’m feeling a little excited. But it’s a different excitement from what I normally feel when I head back ‘home’.

I’m going to do some writing. Everyone knows I write, but it is a rare occasion that I have written while on a trip because I focus too much on what everyone else wants to do and not so much on myself. But this time it’s going to be a little different.

I’ve spent so much time in this part of the world, and the path I tread will be one I have done many times. So I’m going to take a little bit of a different focus this time, and calling it the ‘awaken the senses’ tour.

I’m going to focus each day on a different sense, and really absorb what is happening around me. I think most of us are so lucky that we sometimes get a little distracted and miss so much of what goes on around us – me included.

So I’m going to reawaken my senses – sight, sound, taste, touch and smell are going to take on a whole new meaning in crazy Asia. Some of those senses are already being irritated and I can quite honestly do without – durian, fish sauce and that musty urine stench after fresh rain (I know should have stopped there).

So you’ll be hearing about what I see, what I taste, what I hear, what I smell, what I touch - I’ll awaken your senses through culinary flavours, images of the bikes of burden that circle Ben Thanh, the hands of the Sunrise children as they receive the 30kg of gifts I have for them and the sounds of the Delta as it wakens from its slumber in the wee hours of the morning.

Enjoy being awakened. Asia has a way of making one feel alive. I’m just going to try and experience it in a whole new way. What better way than one sense at a time.

Enjoy the journey.